Category Archives: Learn it

Crisis Moment in the Quest

March 29, 2020 ashleymcarmichael Leave a comment

I stared at my computer screen for 30 minutes yesterday willing some kind of creativity to flow out of me and into my novel.

Instead I got up and did the laundry.

I sat back down and stared for another 20 minutes–on and off while scrolling through social media. I prayed for the words to come…

And then I got up and dusted the furniture in the front room, rearranging to fit my new cabinet.

I sat back down and stared for another 10 minutes or so, then got up and broke in the yoga mat for a workout (something I really don’t enjoy) hoping that the endorphins would spark something.

You would think that school being closed, stay at home orders enacted and social isolation (thank you COVID-19) would give me the time I needed to work on my writing so I could actually get something done.

Instead, it has dried up a well that had just started flowing. It feels a little like life has been paused, which makes it difficult to find the motivation for things I *should* be doing. However, during this time I have learned a lot about myself and my writing that I didn’t quite understand before, but feel like I’m getting a handle on now (2 weeks down).

This is nothing new–going back to Campbell and the quest I started last month–all journeys must reach a crisis moment where the quester (anyone notice that quester is a part of sequestered? Is there a connection there? Not sure…think there should be…) feels defeated. That feels like an appropriate description for my creative juices during this time of uncertainty. And probably why until yesterday I hadn’t written a word on my novel (or blog, or even morning pages) even though I’ve had gobs and gobs of time.

I never realized how much inspiration and motivation I pulled into my writing just by being around humans–forget interacting with them, just being around them is often enough. I will go to Starbucks, or Panera and just sit for hours with my earbuds in–sometimes listening to music, but often listening to the life going on around me and it feeds my soul.

Two days ago I went with my roommate to pick up dinner we’d ordered and we drove past Panera–it was all closed up and the tables pushed to the side and completely deserted…and that hit me harder than a lot of other things during this time. It felt like a representation of my mind. Closed and cluttered with no real production happening.

Avoiding the purpose I know is mine.

What a depressing image. And it definitely felt a little like defeat.

However, as we all know for the quest to be successful, though, the quester (sequestered?) must rise above this crisis moment if they want to obtain the treasure they seek–in my case, a finished novel.

So I took a shower, put on some music, and just started typing. It wasn’t good, but I can go back and polish it later. The point is, I pushed through that defeated feeling–which is what it was, a feeling, not a reality–and got to 40,000 words yesterday.

Sometimes all we need is a little perspective shift to rise above the crises in our lives. That doesn’t mean everything will magically be better or OK, but it can lead to a more positive attitude when facing difficult and unforeseen circumstances, be it a widely spreading virus or kool-aid spilled on the hard drive that housed the only copy of your burgeoning novel (yes, that happened to me in 6th grade–still can’t talk about it…it’s just too raw!).

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but by lack of purpose and direction.
Viktor Frankl–Holocaust survivor

It’s not easy to choose positivity over the uncertainties, isolations, and hopelessness that life throws at us, but when we do, bad situations become temporary, and the end of the world becomes an inspiration to push forward–no matter what.

Want to read a little of what I wrote? Keep scrolling and then leave some feedback in the comments or on the FACEBOOK 🙂 Please note this is very RAW so I would love help in making it SHINE

EXCERPT FROM CHAPTER 20

“This is one of those times where I understand why people carried handkerchiefs, but quite frankly I’ve always found the practice a little disgusting, so if you want a tissue we can—“

“Don’t worry about it,” Andi let out a nervous laugh as she reached across the passenger’s seat to the glove box and pulled out a travel pack of tissue. “I think handkerchiefs are pretty gross too, but I keep prepared. It’s been a pretty emotional couple of years.”

“I’ll say,” Garrick sighed again, wishing he could rewind time and make the last year and half less stressful. Hell, if he could do that he would rewind it so that Andi and Greg never ended up together—though, that’s what Bryce had tried to do and it hadn’t turned out that well for their friendship. “This is a perfect Romans 8:28 kind of situation,” he said more to himself than to Andi.

“What?” She wrinkled her nose and studied him. Over the past year she’d done a lot of Bible reading, but her knowledge was severely limited in comparison to Garrick’s. She hadn’t grown up in church and Bible verses weren’t as imprinted for her as they were for him.

“Romans 8:28,” he said patiently. “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” He pushed back a lock of her hair, smoothing out the worry lines on her forehead. “Everything you’ve been through sucks, Andi. I can’t even begin to tell you how much it hurts me that I couldn’t protect you from all of it. I was just thinking about how if we could turn back time we could just change all of it, but that’s not how life works—and that’s kind of questioning God’s role in all of it, isn’t it?”

Andi pulled back. “You think God let all this happen to me on purpose?”

Garrick clicked his tongue, and turned those words over in his mind before responding. “Not exactly. God is in control over everything, right?”

She nodded slowly, but the frown deepened.

“But, because he gave us humans free will, our actions still have consequences, both good and bad. Our choices don’t limit his control or power or authority, which I think is why the verse reads the way it does—all things for together for good—not that everything is good, or perfect, because we live in a world filled with sin and bad things are going to happen. Even to beautiful souls,” he rubbed his thumb along her cheek again, never breaking eye contact. “So it’s not that I think God ‘let’ this happen to you, but He will take it and work it out for good and for His purpose, since you accepted Him as your savior. Do I think life will suddenly be filled with nothing but sunshine and rainbows? Of course not, but I do think the more we seek Him in this, the more evident His hand will become.”

“So,” she swallowed. “You think instead of wishing none of this ever happened we should ask God to show us how he’s going to work it for good?”

Garrick’s mouth twisted into a half smile and he nodded. “Something like that. I came to terms with that recently myself.”

“Lorelai?” Andi nodded even as she asked.

“Yeah,” Garrick picked up Andi’s hand from here it rested in her lap. He turned it over so her palm faced upward and traced the lines with his index finger. “You may think the Lord has forgotten you, that He is far from you, but remember Andrea Cartier, he has engraved you on the palms of his hands. Nothing this world can throw at you will thwart the plans he has for you.”

A shiver ran down his spine as the words he spoke raced across his own circumstance, and he nodded his understanding to the Lord speaking to him in this moment with the woman he desperately loved.

“Thank you,” Andi whispered. “I don’t know how you do it, but sometimes you know exactly what to say—“

“Wasn’t me,” Garrick shook his head. “I needed to hear it as much as you did, Andi. He knew,” he nodded to the sky above, looking up.

Andi followed his gaze.

“Thank you,” she whispered, and this time, Garrick knew she wasn’t speaking to him.

Learn it

Following the path

February 23, 2020 ashleymcarmichael Leave a comment

Pro tip: Don’t ask God to confirm something if you are not prepared for an answer you may not like

That may sound like an ominous way to start a blog post, but I have to admit it’s been a whirlwind few weeks–which tends to happen when you start out on a quest to resuscitate something you feel you have lost. You poke at things you thought were pretty sturdy only to watch them tumble like a Jenga tower. The falling is bad enough, but the noise is enough to startle you into confusion.

That’s pretty much my headspace at the moment.

Or, as Beth Moore puts it in her new book Chasing Vines:

“Nothing can get more confusing than feeling planted somewhere you’re sure is home and then getting uprooted and transplanted somewhere else. Without warning you face the prospect of having to start all over again. You had […] your sense of place, you thought you knew how this thing was going to go, your future seemed clear, your people were near and now you feel like a stranger …”

There is nothing more disconcerting than feeling like a stranger where you once felt like you belonged. An overwhelming sense of discontentment can be disorienting and, quite frankly, painful as you fumble your way through.

It’s the prayers in those moments that you send heavenward, hoping that that feeling will maybe just go away, or at least settle into some kind of contentment that your purpose only floundered for a hot second…until you realize that the seeds of discontentment might actually be God’s prompting to a new purpose.

And that all the hurt feelings and alienation were actually little ways in which God was answering your heaven-sent pleas.

Whether you like it or not.

Because let’s be honest. Change can be hard, especially if there is not a readily evident reason for making the change. Trying to explain it to other people is, well, tough. So you begin the arduous task of laying it all out on the table–these little pieces of evidence that God has confirmed to you so that others can rally behind you in this new quest.

I haven’t gotten to that last bit yet; I’m still gathering my evidences and working through it with the Lord on my own before I start bringing others in. But I can certainly feel it inching closer and the choice will have to be made: do what is comfortable, or do what God is saying to you.

And I pray I have the courage to follow through and obey the simple words of Genesis 31:16b:

“Now then, whatever God is saying to you, do.”

Because we should not, as Beth Moore says,

“Confuse fruitfulness with felicity.”

Walking in God’s will doesn’t mean we will live “happily ever after.” Life is not a fairy tale, and happiness shouldn’t be our number one goal regardless of what popular culture will have us believe. No, if we want to live purposeful lives, we must live in obedience to what the Lord commands and listen to his commands, whatever they are. As Deuteronomy 5:33 confirms:

“You shall walk in all the way that the Lord your God has commanded you, that you may live, and that it may go well with you…”

Sometimes we may feel like strangers.

Sometimes we may have to change our lifestyle.

Sometimes we may experience pain and rejection.

But always we will LIVE and LIVE WELL if we are following God’s path–even if we can’t see exactly where it might lead.

Learn it, The Artist's Way

Trials of the quest

February 9, 2020 ashleymcarmichael Leave a comment

Okay, so I’m channeling Joseph Campbell this week, but it is called the monomyth for a reason. Let’s face it, Campbell was one smart dude and so as my quest to renew creativity begins, I should have expected resistance–which on one level I did, I guess I just didn’t expect so much of the resistance to come from me. After all, I’m the one who decided to start the quest, why would I resist it?

Physical Trials

We all experience some physical trials on this earth. After all, our bodies are essentially dying the moment we are born (cheery, I know). One of my physical struggles has always been seasonal allergies and sinus migraines. I know that sounds super lame given that there are a lot of people battling much, much more. I’m not diminishing that in any way and can only pray I have half the strength of these individuals if I ever face that kind of physical trial.

My allergies have always been a pain–they come every year so you’d think I’d be prepared, but living in South Carolina–well seasons are incredibly fluid sometimes. Like last week, for example, we experienced temperatures upwards of 70 degrees so the trees started to bloom, and yes there was pollen everywhere…and it is February. By the end of the week, we were back in the 30s, so my body just completely rebelled. I haven’t really been able to breathe out of my nose for a week, and all that has settled in my chest and it’s just uncomfortable, which turns into exhausting so the things I can normally do become more of a chore and sometimes I just don’t–which in turn makes me feel like a slacker.

Despite this, I pushed myself to go on a walk earlier in the week when the weather was nice enough to do so. I LOVED IT. I actually really enjoy walking whenever I push myself to get out and do it, and it is as Cameron says in The Vein of Gold a walk in our souls is really for our souls. I did not meet her challenge to walk 20 minutes every day though. That is going to be for this coming week–even more challenging since I have meetings/social gatherings/obligations every night this week. It’s good, but it is definitely stretching me.

Mental Trials

I get into my own head way too often. Sure, social anxiety has become a norm for me. Once I drove all the way to a social gathering where I didn’t know anyone and I was determined to go make new friends. I walked up to the door and my heart raced so bad I found it hard to breathe. I turned around and left. Ridiculous, I know. I’m not sure what it is about my make up that makes me do stupid things like that, but I literally have to battle with myself to go to social events.

I know, I’ve heard it before, but Ashley, you are a teacher. Isn’t that a constant social event. Quite frankly, no it isn’t. But that might be part of the problem. I’m by nature an introvert and I spend all day with people and it’s great. I love my students and most days I love my job. I work with some of the greatest people I’ve ever met and I love them! But when I go home, going back out in the world is hard. Some people call it recharge time, but I really shouldn’t need that much recharge time.

Sometimes I will lose this battle and stay home when I should go hang out with people–people I know and love. As a result, it makes them think I don’t want to hang out with them, which isn’t true–I just need a push. Someone to tell me I’m wanted there and that they will help me, make me feel comfortable, and like it is less of a chore. Only people really close to me know that they need to push a little harder to get me out–most people just shrug and assume that I’m happy.

This is my mental trial, and I’m working through that this week too–especially as I’m trying to revive my creativity. Writing conversation and situation requires experience.

Pushing myself is hard.

Emotional Trials

With the physical and mental trials, there are always emotional ones too–for me it typically results in bottled up feelings that explode in situations where an explosion really doesn’t make sense. I’ve been doing a pretty good job at keeping the mood journal up and that really helps me to process through, but this week pushed me a lot.

I’m going to my first writer’s group meeting in several years this week. I’m excited and nervous (talk about emotional trials). While I know this is just a trial meeting for me to observe and decide if it is a good fit, it still makes me feel a little nervous–so say a little prayer for me on Tuesday!

End Results

The GOOD news about all these trials and internal battles, I was able to channel it into a lot of good writing this weekend. I wrote at least 6,000 words yesterday and the result is 34,000 words written and mostly polished on my novel that has just been gathering dust for going on 2 years now. My new push is bringing some of that drive and passion back, but it hasn’t been easy. But really, when is anything worth doing easy?

Learn it, The Artist's Way, Uncategorized

How to Start a Quest

January 26, 2020 ashleymcarmichael Leave a comment

Step one: Recognize and Answer the Call to Adventure

My inner writer died.

I’m not really sure when it happened, but I came to the stark realization that it did a few weeks ago. I’ve been trying to push past what some people I guess would call “writer’s block”, but it’s not a block—it’s a death. Life got busy. Priorities shifted. And I just did take time to breathe life into my inner writer.

So I mourned her death. Struggled with a little depression…and then began the process of rebirth.

“ None of us possess a life devoid of magic, barren of grace, divorced from power”
Julia Cameron

That’s the beautiful part about our creativity—as we grow and change we will often kill off the playful and inspired part of ourselves that wants to push limits and think outside the box…but we can get it back if we are willing to do the work.

So, I invite you on my QUEST to resurrect a part of myself that I lost sight of.

Step two: Get help–Assistance is always required to complete a quest

I mentioned in my last post how much I enjoyed Julia Cameron’s The Artist Way and that book was incredibly inspiring several years ago during my golden age of writing. So, naturally, I went back to Cameron and have found another installment that seems to be exactly what I need right now. I am starting my journey by reading The Vein of Gold, a book whose primary concern is healing the inner child. And let’s face it—I pretty much ignore my inner child. I’m sure she’s in there somewhere—probably sleeping. If I want my creative juices to start flowing again I’m going to have to wake her up. So I’m embarking on this quest with Cameron at the helm and one goal in mind: resurrect my inner writer and return to my golden age of creativity. I invite you to join me (through my blog posts, of course, but if you are feeling a little fuddy-duddy-ish, grab yourself a copy and take the journey with me literally!

“Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game.” Defying Gravity—Stephen Schwartz—Wicked

Step three: Depart—and don’t let the valid excuses become reasons to avoid the Renaissance

“We are romancing our creative urges. Nothing kills a romance more quickly than a few broken promises” Julia Cameron

I started in several ways this week. First, I said yes spontaneously (me???) to an unexpected invitation to see Wicked with a friend—which just reminded me how much I really do love musicals…and the theater…

So I spent most of the rest of the week singing different broadway musicals at the top (and I do mean the top) of my ever-so-off-key lungs.

And I realized that my mood journal took a huge upswing this week—so many more positives than negatives. Coincidence? Well, maybe. But it sure did feel good. Did I do a lot of writing? Not really, but I don’t expect the world to right itself overnight. And hey—I did a blog post 2 weeks in a row, so that’s improvement!

So stop fearing the worst, continue to hope for the best, and take a few leaps of faith along the way and you might be surprised by when and where the Lord meets you in your unadulterated neediness.

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek” Joseph Campbell

Learn it, The Artist's Way

20 Goals for 2020

January 19, 2020 ashleymcarmichael Leave a comment

Sure, it may be cheesy.

It may be cliche.

BUT who can resist a good numbers game as we kick off a new decade?

And so, here I am, finally back into the writing groove and ready to set some goals, because next to godliness and cleanliness–goal-setting should always be a top priority.

Goal 1: Write More

I didn’t list these in any particular order, but I wanted to start with writing, because, let’s face it–that is what this blog is all about. I’ve always loved writing, but when I first started this journey, one of the main things I learned is that writers don’t just write when it is convenient, but they make it a priority. I have not been making it much of a priority lately–there are other things going on and I just kind of push the writing off to the side. I realized recently what a terrible idea that is, because writing is how I process and release. The other day I couldn’t figure out why the past couple of years have felt like such a backslide in personal growth–then it struck me: duh! You aren’t doing what you love, what comes as naturally as breathing, what helps you make sense of the world and express the emotions that you often find so overwhelming that you shut down, you turtle into something nearly unrecognizable as you shut people out. So I need to stop making excuses and make a concentrated effort to write more.

I know, that’s vague, so the next few goals are really kind of subgoals for this one.

Goal 2 (or 1a): Do Your Morning Pages

A few years ago, I read The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron with a group of writer friends. It really opened up some passionate ideas and projects, so I’m going to rewind and go through this again (I did some posts about it on here too #TheArtist’sWay). I cram a lot into my mornings as it is, but this was always a successful way to start the day–not exactly journaling, but just getting thoughts and ideas on paper. I’ve never been a good journaler, but filling up notebooks with ideas was a useful way to start my mornings back in my writing prime, so I want to get back to that.

Goal 3 (or 1b): Set aside a least 15 minutes per day for writing

Sometimes I complain that I don’t have time for anything, and then I realize I spent time on an electronic device, or staring at the TV that I could have easily spent on something more productive; again that is cliche. I don’t love how much screen time I use–my excuse has always been that I am so tired of thinking by the end of the day I need something mindless to relax. On some level, that’s still true. On another, it is just an excuse for laziness. And that’s not okay. Especially when I have such big goals that have yet to be accomplished.

Goal 4 (or 1c): Finish What You Started

At the moment I have 3 books completely written, but I haven’t taken the time to gut and edit them–or I’ve been putting it off–or I’ve been busy and overwhelmed with other things in life. But now is the time to finish what I have started and stop with all the meh.

Goal 5 (or 1d): Find your Niche

I moved to SC a few years ago and it was absolutely the right move, but I miss the writing community I had when I lived in NC. I’ve tried a couple of different things here, but I haven’t been able to find the right fit yet. So, I’m going to make a concentrated effort to find that community again.

Goal 6 (or 1e): Don’t abandon the blog

Blogging is not my passion, but I think the public sharing of my writing is kind of an important step that I took a few years ago, so I want to keep maintaining it. Sometimes, as you know, I will go months without posting. Not on purpose, but just because, you know, life. Putting it on the priority list, will help me ensure it doesn’t fall by the wayside. I hope.

Goal 7: Read More

I read a lot. Trust me, I do. But this can always be a goal for me, because even when I read a lot, I can always make time to read more–or maybe what I really mean is to read more diverse things. I read a lot of fiction. I need to balance that with a healthy dose of non fiction and books I might not have chosen for myself, but that open up something new for me to learn.

Goal 8 (or 7a): Read at least 75 books (Goodreads)

Last year the goal was 60–so I’m upping the ante…

Goal 9 (or 7b): Of the 75 books at least 25 will be non fiction

That sounds pretty silly, but that’s saying a lot for me, so it’s attainable, but challenging.

Goal 10 (or 7c): Write reviews for at lest 50% of the books I read

Sometimes, I’m re-reading so the 50% accounts for that, and also for the times I read series and have pretty much the same thing to say for each of the books and don’t want to be redundant.

Goal 11: Monitor Emotional Health

I bought a mood journal, and it was a good move. It’s a planner, but it always asks great reflective questions at the end of the week that help me focus on the good and process the bad. I know, at 34 you’d think I’d have this all figured out, but I’m a work in progress. So yeah.

Goal 12: Be Ready for God to Move

God is mighty and powerful. Sometimes though I underestimate just how powerful He is. That is dangerous. So, for my 2020 word, I chose (with a little prompting from the Holy Spirit) a Hebrew word: Hinneni. This roughly translates to Here I am or I am Ready, but the connotations take it further and deeper–it requires an enriching trust, a bond between father and child. This is what I want to build this year on.

Goal 13 (or 9a): Seek after God by spending more time in His Word

I think the Bible is beautiful. In addition to a weekly Bible study and morning quiet times, I want to seek to organize what I learn in new ways, which interestingly enough helps with goals 1 and 7 and even 8.

Goal 14 (or 9b): Don’t just say you are praying–spend more time in focused prayer.

One thing I know about relationships is they don’t grow unless you spend time conversing–and that requires a sacrifice. Those times when I feel like I need to escape into mindlessness are a great place to start.

Goal 15 (or 9c): Let go of the doubt, Embrace the promises

I have a hard time, sometimes, seeing past the tangible and trusting in the intangible. Especially if it isn’t the plan I expected or wanted. Those doubts can choke the life out of me. I need to make a concentrated effort everyday to choose what I will serve: doubt or truth.

Goal 16: Drink more water

I know, health goals are cheesy. And honestly, I make this a goal most weeks–sometimes I stick to it; other times I don’t. But writing it down, that’s what helps make it more of a probability rather than an afterthought.

Goal 17: Move more

I’m constantly moving from about 8am to 3pm. After that I have no desire to move. That’s not very healthy, so I’m adding it to the goal. Yes, I know this is vague, but saying “I’ll exercise at least 30 minutes a day” is pretty unrealistic for me (I’m just being honest), so I’ll keep it vague and see where it goes–then if needed, the goal will be adjusted.

Goal 18: Eat more vegetables

Fruits are easy. Vegetables are hard. Enough said.

Goal 19: Take an “artist date” at least 6 times

This goes back to the book, The Artist’s Way. I used to do these all the time and had such fun, so I’m going to add those back to my goal list.

Goal 20: Seek out real connections, even when (or maybe especially when) it feels uncomfortable.

Social events make me anxious. Partly because I struggle so much with feeling unwanted–making small talk is so hard for me, and that is half of what a social event is all about. After I attempt it, and kind of fail, I feel an irrational sense of contempt from others, even though I know it is really just that annoying voice in my head that wishes I didn’t have any failings–but this is a big one. So the goal, even when I’m uncomfortable or worried about feeling unwanted or ‘weird’ or overlooked or whatever–I will still strive for those connections.

Photo by Ricardo Gomez Angel on Unsplash

Your turn! What are some of your goals? List them in the comments! I love to learn from you

Phoenix From Ash, llc.